"Marsha, Marsha, Marsha..."

I Tumble For Ya

When I was in the fifth grade, I thought Boy George was straight. 


Also, as a teenager, there was that moment I realized it wasn't normal for parents to visit the liquor store every day.

When You Can't Have Chocolate

I have the flu. No more sick days.


I made an incorrect deposit. My account is almost overdrawn.


I forgot to call my boy-thing. He's ignoring my texts.


My neighbor's music is so loud and on so long I missed the exterminator because I thought it was her. GIANT cockroach in the kitchen. It was dead, thank Obama.


My favorite jeans split up the crack. No more beer.


I'm 1400 miles short of a plane ticket home for the holiDAZE. Skype Grandma?


A new one of THESE just makes it all better.  I love you, Bobbi Brown.

You MUST vote...

...if you want the right to complain.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

That's Entertainment

See this: HOWL


Then pick up THIS and read it out loud. Read any poetry out loud. You will transport to a place in an underdeveloped part of your brain. One that is long forgotten but still vibrating from the initial time you plugged in. Your senses might take you to the smell of old text books or a candle from the bedroom of a sensitive lover. 


Oh, and you'll surprise yourself if you read the poems you usually skip over in The New Yorker when you're on the toilet. The cartoons show up in your mind.

Bare Naked Ladies

I'm too young and too... different... to miss silk stockings, but I do.  I understand some considered them mini torture experiments in pre-breakfast time management and idol life-style embracement. You simply cannot jump out of bed, into your clothes and out the door if you require two espressos, reading glasses and an extra 20 minutes to strap into your underwear. You also cannot sit under or near most nouns, which poses a problem to your colleagues and office furniture in your shared cubicle. One snag from a car door and it's over. It is an entirely different lifestyle. A little more graceful and a lot more difficult. Kind of like... being a woman I suppose.

Meme Missions

Are the Haitians doing better? How about New Orleans? The coal miners in West Virginia? The Gulf of Mexico? Gay Marriage? Don't Ask, Don't Tell? Autism? Barack's birth? Breast Cancer? Gun toting teens? Celebrity adoption? Jungles? Forests? War? Whales? Pandas? HIV?

There are so so so so so many things to wave a flag for out there. We need to be careful we don't drop the support for one to run across the red carpet for the other. Our suffering world is not a trend. Turtles, please don't turn into rabbits. We need you both. Divide and conquer but most importantly FOCUS and FOLLOW THROUGH.

And remember, blogs, tweets and social network postings most certainly show support but dollars turn into action. Don't forget the money where your mouth is thing. 

I'm not just talking pole dancing.

Manhattan Photo Scavenger Hunt

1. A land line telephone in a Hell's Kitchen apartment.


2. A quiet teenager reading on a park bench in Central Park.


3. A female cab driver.


4. A chorus boy with a wedding ring.


5. A 30-something celebrity without sunglasses.


6. A clean Starbucks bathroom sink.


7. A person pushing a grocery cart full of groceries.


8. A smiling Parking Enforcement Officer.


9. A dog without a leash.


10. A woman in Prada shoes on the subway.

"Come on people now smile on your brother everybody get together and try to love one another right now..."

These folks are staring at the back of an opaque, white tent with flashing paparazzi lights visibly going off on the inside.  All in the name of a glimpse of... ?

Serenade

You know you are loved when one of your favorite queens leaves you a voice mail at 2am singing only the background vocals to one of your favorite 80's tunes from your favorite 80's band:

"Girls on Film."

(5 Second Pause)

"Girls on Film."

(3 Seconds)

"See you togetheaahh..."

(10 Seconds... I think she's forgotten she called me... )

"GUHRLZZOONFFFFLMMMM!"

(Spoken...)

"I LOVE YOU GUHRL.  I wish you were my boyfriend."
(Click.)

Train to Nowhere: Fast

Starbucks is a nice place to get free "weefee" and they provide an excellent community service for those with small bladder emergencies in NYC. I feel this may be reason enough to pay the extra $3.75 for a cup o' Joe. I'm paying communal rent.  

But if you sit in one of the franchises long enough, it's like you're stuck on a subway car full of 'melting pot' folks that just shot Red Bull into their veins. You're forced to listen to a loud conversation about hair and television and you never know who might break out into song then ask you for money... the teen skipping school for a year or the transient who skipped bathing for just as long. Sometimes that is one person.

If you're not tweaking too terribly from the caffeine, it's kind of beautiful.

Wisdom From the Trenches

A very wise and beautiful Queen Bear recently told me the secret to life:


"Choose & Act"


Make a decision and take action.


It doesn't matter what you apply this to, it will propel you forward. 


The worst thing you can do with your life is nothing.

Fasten your seat belts...

Stop with the guilt trips and take responsibility for your own happiness. Passive aggression is about as mature as stealing from a three year old. If you have a problem with someone, tell them. If you don't feel you can do that, let it go and move on. 

Life is too short.

Drag Rot

For me, Halloween is more than just a day to try on costumes. I can't think of any labels I want to become that I don't already try on throughout the year.  Everyday is Halloween if we're just talking outfits.  I prefer a concept costume.  

This year I think I'll pre-empt the drunks and stay out late on Devil's Eve. I'll go to bed wasted and in my clothes. I'll wake up early on Halloween and without a shower or a glance in the mirror I'll head out the door to hang out with people I don't know very well. I'll make sure I get lost on the way there. I'll spend all day eating what I want and sleeping where I want... even if I end up at work.

I'll tell everyone I see I hope they are having a good year even though I disappoint them.  I'll carry a never ending glass of vodka and hand out items I found under my bed and wrapped in newspaper. 

This year I'm going as Christmas.

YouStooge

I cannot fathom a human being behaving so cruelly as to secretly film another then streaming it online without permission.  It doesn't matter what a person is doing or who they are doing it with, it is wrong.  Especially in this new age of growing up online, we need to teach our children respect for each other's privacy. The Internet is an extension of us.  We create it.  It is another virtual planet.  The same rules that apply in this world should apply there too.  If we do not teach our children to respect this massive tool, it will destroy us.  

R.I.P. Tony Curtis

He gave good drag and made out with Marilyn Monroe in the same movie. Then, in his next Hollywood blockbuster, he participated in a censored male-on-male bath scene. If he had been gay he would have had to lobotomize himself just to get through each day.  Walking by a mirror would have taken up a good 10 hours of worship time. 

Really.

Michael Bolton wants a public apology for being told he was a bad dancer? Did he see himself dance?  


Can we all have an apology for the voodoo he performed on America in the early 90's? How about that hair? I want an apology.


He was an extra in Dune you know. Michael Bolton, you owe Dune an apology.

The Bright Side

I was in the elevator in a building in midtown on the 41st floor.  The doors were closing just as a soggy messenger got on. He looked like a wet Snoop Dog impersonator. 


"Rain is good for the city.  It makes things smell better."

WE LOVE ELLEN...

... but it's time for a new Ellen. Gaga scares Grandpa and Rachel Maddow is too smart. Let's have Rachel Ray come out.  She could teach us how to make... muffins.

Ten Reasons to Smile

1.  We don't know why we are here.

2.  Newborn anythings.

3.  Karma.

4.  The internet. [i.e., click: FUN ]

5.  High fives.

6.  Music.

7.  Rainbows.  Come on... it's true.

8.  Toupees.

9.  Carbs.

10. Love.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tongue Biting

Meet George Jetson...

A Manhattan Real Estate agent once told me that New York living is all about small apartments. It's the future of city living. That "eeeveeeryone has a small apartment... it's where you sleep and shower and the city is your living room and kitchen!!"


That explains the cackling, talking, pants-less man next door chomping on nuts while watching TV through the bar window. I try to picture him on a couch... actually I start with him having pants... then the couch.

Don't Ask, Show and Tell

I think we should work on the marriage thing before we work on the military thing. It's more organic. Weddings lead to pictures, pictures lead to conversations, conversations lead to that moment when you look at the person telling his 'I Do' story and realize he is not that different from you and who cares if he prefers chocolate to vanilla... it would be boring if we were all the same under these identical fatigues... and who cares if his wife is a dude, we're both doing the same job and bullets do not discriminate...


Equal rights to marriage would lead to equal rights in the military.


Plus, gays would get AMAAHzing care packages to share with the squad.  You know they would.  Look at what they do for weddings.

Poetry Jam to a Manhattan Tourist

You are what you eat.
Is that a hunk of meat?
I live on this street!
Clean up what you threw at your feet.
I'll take a picture and Tweet!
N.Y.C. could be sweet.
(Except in the heat.)
Don't miss a beat.
Make this place neat.
Or go back to your wheat.
And don't let the door hit your seat!
A%&hole.

How Glenn Beck would ride a Harley.

Dance Like No One is Watching

My-friend-and-know-it-all-film-critic:  


"Look at her.  She looks ridiculous.  I can't believe he made her do that."


(Silent, stoic agreement between two, like-minded queens.)


(Pause.)


(Crack in the atmosphere.)


Little-'ol-me:  


"I think she looks like she's having fun."


------------------------


Why is it not OK to like Baz Luhrmann's Moulin Rouge?  And why is it so unfathomable that Nicole Kidman look silly for a few scenes.  She's still flippin' Nicole Kidman and this was shot back when she could still move her eyebrows so it's kind of exciting.


Someone once told me a notion that went something like this: 


Man started losing his soul the moment he started looking in a mirror.


Think about it.  Then hit the club in sweatpants.  


But only if you can dance...Miss Mary Dugan* puhlease...


* Manny Igrejas - Google him.

Reality TV

If you want change you must at least show up and do this. 

It's free and you burn calories.

Baby Gaga

Last night Cher handed a Best Video award to Lady Gaga and she said something like, "I can't believe I just handed Cher my meat purse."


Girl.  I get your thang and think you rock.  But that woman who graciously held your meat purse is quite possibly THE six degrees of reasons you are respected for wearing a meat dress to go with your euphemism.  


By no means does anyone expect you to go down a list and thank all of the meat-purses who paved your way.  Every artist has a predecessor that fought the good fight.  Especially the chicks. And it isn't necessary.  Good people steal from the best people and the people that were around during the days of the best people smell it all over the good people and it's fulfilling for the layman to peg the recycles.  


But when standing face-to-face with a tried and true original meat-purse?...give her some props.  It's the classy.  Taking the focus off yourself for a moment buys you more time from the flame-out factor anyway. It's good for you. Like bran. The woman is in her sixties and is still walking around in her towering, naked confidence.  Literally.  And doing it really, really well.  She would take the title in any meat-purse battle. Janis would if she could.


And stop wearing s*&t you can't walk in.  It's sloppy and blows the illusion. Transitions are just as important as the still image you continually create. Pros move gracefully between creating their tableaus.  Hire people to carry you around.  Cleopatra, the original meat-purse, did.  Duh.

A Little Help from My Friends

Thanks for meeting me for lunch.  I really needed someone to talk to.

OMG Moment

There are people out there who become partners simply to keep each other from becoming their mothers.

4 Minutes To Save the World

The PMS [Pre-Meditated Scandal] dissipates if I pretend I'm in heaven. 

What if THIS IS heaven? 

This is it. 

Stop wasting time waiting for it.

I need to exfoliate.  Helps the glow.

You might be a Whiteneck if...

...your desk has more of your shoes stored under it than on the back of the door of your closet...in the kitchen.

...you wonder why you can't find Sex and the City on the TMC menu.

...you consider your lunchtime blog something you created 'with your own two hands'.

Two Ears, One Mouth

If you listen to someone tell his or her stories - old stories, stories they are in the middle of, stories of hopes and desires - you become a student. If you are a student and you pay attention in class, you can learn something. If you make it to the final exam, hopefully you will retain what you were taught and be able to give the right answers.

I'm going to try to know what it's like to walk in more people's shoes.  All kinds of people.  I hope my grandpa wears pumps. 

What If Mikey Doesn't Like It?

Making promises in the middle of a campaign is one thing, making promises in the middle of a catastrophe is another.  You can't pass-the-buck on people's lives when you pledged to be responsible for them.  That's what children do.

...and a very Merry Christmas...and a Happy New Year...

Thank you to all of the men and women and animals that have served this country.


Thank you to all of the men and women and animals that have served their countries. 


Passion and purpose keep the world spinning round.  


Let's work on educating those kiddos and hope they can understand that fears are just thoughts.  Except mini shorts.  Be afraid of mini shorts.

Around The World in 87 Minutes

F*%k It List - Top Ten

10. Let the dog eat the spoonful of ice cream that fell on the kitchen floor? - OK.

9. [In an office email blast:] "Free tickets to my roommate's Fringe Festival show this weekend!" - why not?

8. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? - [KEEeeerrRRaaack].

7. You have $40 left in your account until payday.  Suede shoes and it starts to rain. Subway? - Taxi!

6. Snooze or Shower? - Yes.

5. "Wanna help me move?" - It's good karma.

4. Give the dancing guy outside of the Starbucks a high five when he raises his arm for one. - You have Purell in your purse.

3. "Wanna see something reeallly scary?!" - Yup.

2. [At the register:] "Would you like to donate $1 to help prevent breast cancer?" - say yes.

1. Buy a first-class upgrade on a red-eye international flight. - Take pictures.

Big Bang Buddha

Opposites are the equal differences between TWO nouns.  TWO.  If we adjust our American textbooks to teach only TWO theories of how-we-all-came-to-be and present them as dueling ideas, it categorically defines them as equal, and opposite.  Light or dark.  Left or Right.  In or out.  Absolut or Grey Goose.

How-we-all-came-to-be seems to have happened so long ago that either we forgot, we evolved, or we didn't have anything to do with it.  OR...we can fill in the blank with many other theories.  THEORIES that are communicated by words with varying meanings, metaphors and euphemisms.   Tom Cruise - the actor - can proselytize about one that supposedly comes from science.

Ideas that become theories that become written down in books have been written down by humans.  All ideas.  --->  Humans publish and distribute those books.  All books.  --->   These books can be written in many languages, colloquialisms, eras, then read and interpreted and adopted by other mediums.  All mediums.  --->    These mediums are means of communication...between humans.  All humans.   =   Ideas come from humans.  All humans. 

Except maybe Michele Bachmann.

How can there be only two THEORIES of ANYTHING?

Expert Advice

Go here to shop: http://www.housingworks.org/. 

If you sign up for a memebership they can accept direct-pay donations every month. You get bonus discounts [i.e., %25-Off Sundays for Members in August!] AND you get to feel like you are doing something good for others... when really all you did was type your name and bank info in once while you sat at work and pretended to be dutifully proofing the spreadsheet you promised your boss you'd have ready by the end of the day. 

Click send.  Run to the bathroom and wipe your lipstick off your tie.

Throw Stones at the Man in the Mirror

Honesty is the best policy. NOT transparency. 

We don't need to know the contents of your suitcase but if we could see you had a carry-on it would make us like you more.

Pick out a vintage Vuitton.  Take pride in your things and don't be afraid that you may have to check it if it's too heavy.  There's plenty of room.

As long as you show us it's yours and you didn't leave it unattended we can trust you.

Otherwise, that s*%t falling out of your pockets and trash stuffed in layers of grocery bags under your coat, frankly, makes you look fat and homeless.

We will respect you more if you own your stuff.  We don't like surprise bouquets of things the Salvation Army would throw out.  Clean out your closets girl.  You don't even know what's in there.

P-touch label makers are on sale at Staples.

Work Orders Request

User Name:  Jose los Peces

Department:  pescado

Division:  escuela

Extention:  N/A

Request Date:  en curso

Request For [please select area]:  planeta

Notes:  Por favor, limpiar el derrame de petróleo lo antes posible.  Puede ser un peligro para los demás.

Due Date [select one]:  urgente

Rebel With Claws

I survive in Manhattan.  Currently, Monday through Friday, nine to five, I exit my apartment, kittywalk down the sidewalk, get on the concrete and steel subway, get off in an iron and cement tunnel, climb metal and synthetic stairs into a man-made building and sit in a man-made cubicle.  Then the reverse.

I have poison oak on my legs and I can't remember the last time I saw a tree.

Mother Nature has gone Kelly Osbourne.  Plastic and a little itchy. 

For Pussies

The New Colossus

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Emma Lazarus, 1883

Interpreting the Law

Being Gay should be a religion and being Muslim should become a sexual orientation.
  
Maybe then we can be America.