R.I.P. Tony Curtis

He gave good drag and made out with Marilyn Monroe in the same movie. Then, in his next Hollywood blockbuster, he participated in a censored male-on-male bath scene. If he had been gay he would have had to lobotomize himself just to get through each day.  Walking by a mirror would have taken up a good 10 hours of worship time. 

Really.

Michael Bolton wants a public apology for being told he was a bad dancer? Did he see himself dance?  


Can we all have an apology for the voodoo he performed on America in the early 90's? How about that hair? I want an apology.


He was an extra in Dune you know. Michael Bolton, you owe Dune an apology.

The Bright Side

I was in the elevator in a building in midtown on the 41st floor.  The doors were closing just as a soggy messenger got on. He looked like a wet Snoop Dog impersonator. 


"Rain is good for the city.  It makes things smell better."

WE LOVE ELLEN...

... but it's time for a new Ellen. Gaga scares Grandpa and Rachel Maddow is too smart. Let's have Rachel Ray come out.  She could teach us how to make... muffins.

Ten Reasons to Smile

1.  We don't know why we are here.

2.  Newborn anythings.

3.  Karma.

4.  The internet. [i.e., click: FUN ]

5.  High fives.

6.  Music.

7.  Rainbows.  Come on... it's true.

8.  Toupees.

9.  Carbs.

10. Love.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tongue Biting

Meet George Jetson...

A Manhattan Real Estate agent once told me that New York living is all about small apartments. It's the future of city living. That "eeeveeeryone has a small apartment... it's where you sleep and shower and the city is your living room and kitchen!!"


That explains the cackling, talking, pants-less man next door chomping on nuts while watching TV through the bar window. I try to picture him on a couch... actually I start with him having pants... then the couch.

Don't Ask, Show and Tell

I think we should work on the marriage thing before we work on the military thing. It's more organic. Weddings lead to pictures, pictures lead to conversations, conversations lead to that moment when you look at the person telling his 'I Do' story and realize he is not that different from you and who cares if he prefers chocolate to vanilla... it would be boring if we were all the same under these identical fatigues... and who cares if his wife is a dude, we're both doing the same job and bullets do not discriminate...


Equal rights to marriage would lead to equal rights in the military.


Plus, gays would get AMAAHzing care packages to share with the squad.  You know they would.  Look at what they do for weddings.

Poetry Jam to a Manhattan Tourist

You are what you eat.
Is that a hunk of meat?
I live on this street!
Clean up what you threw at your feet.
I'll take a picture and Tweet!
N.Y.C. could be sweet.
(Except in the heat.)
Don't miss a beat.
Make this place neat.
Or go back to your wheat.
And don't let the door hit your seat!
A%&hole.

How Glenn Beck would ride a Harley.

Dance Like No One is Watching

My-friend-and-know-it-all-film-critic:  


"Look at her.  She looks ridiculous.  I can't believe he made her do that."


(Silent, stoic agreement between two, like-minded queens.)


(Pause.)


(Crack in the atmosphere.)


Little-'ol-me:  


"I think she looks like she's having fun."


------------------------


Why is it not OK to like Baz Luhrmann's Moulin Rouge?  And why is it so unfathomable that Nicole Kidman look silly for a few scenes.  She's still flippin' Nicole Kidman and this was shot back when she could still move her eyebrows so it's kind of exciting.


Someone once told me a notion that went something like this: 


Man started losing his soul the moment he started looking in a mirror.


Think about it.  Then hit the club in sweatpants.  


But only if you can dance...Miss Mary Dugan* puhlease...


* Manny Igrejas - Google him.

Reality TV

If you want change you must at least show up and do this. 

It's free and you burn calories.

Baby Gaga

Last night Cher handed a Best Video award to Lady Gaga and she said something like, "I can't believe I just handed Cher my meat purse."


Girl.  I get your thang and think you rock.  But that woman who graciously held your meat purse is quite possibly THE six degrees of reasons you are respected for wearing a meat dress to go with your euphemism.  


By no means does anyone expect you to go down a list and thank all of the meat-purses who paved your way.  Every artist has a predecessor that fought the good fight.  Especially the chicks. And it isn't necessary.  Good people steal from the best people and the people that were around during the days of the best people smell it all over the good people and it's fulfilling for the layman to peg the recycles.  


But when standing face-to-face with a tried and true original meat-purse?...give her some props.  It's the classy.  Taking the focus off yourself for a moment buys you more time from the flame-out factor anyway. It's good for you. Like bran. The woman is in her sixties and is still walking around in her towering, naked confidence.  Literally.  And doing it really, really well.  She would take the title in any meat-purse battle. Janis would if she could.


And stop wearing s*&t you can't walk in.  It's sloppy and blows the illusion. Transitions are just as important as the still image you continually create. Pros move gracefully between creating their tableaus.  Hire people to carry you around.  Cleopatra, the original meat-purse, did.  Duh.

A Little Help from My Friends

Thanks for meeting me for lunch.  I really needed someone to talk to.

OMG Moment

There are people out there who become partners simply to keep each other from becoming their mothers.

4 Minutes To Save the World

The PMS [Pre-Meditated Scandal] dissipates if I pretend I'm in heaven. 

What if THIS IS heaven? 

This is it. 

Stop wasting time waiting for it.

I need to exfoliate.  Helps the glow.

You might be a Whiteneck if...

...your desk has more of your shoes stored under it than on the back of the door of your closet...in the kitchen.

...you wonder why you can't find Sex and the City on the TMC menu.

...you consider your lunchtime blog something you created 'with your own two hands'.

Two Ears, One Mouth

If you listen to someone tell his or her stories - old stories, stories they are in the middle of, stories of hopes and desires - you become a student. If you are a student and you pay attention in class, you can learn something. If you make it to the final exam, hopefully you will retain what you were taught and be able to give the right answers.

I'm going to try to know what it's like to walk in more people's shoes.  All kinds of people.  I hope my grandpa wears pumps. 

What If Mikey Doesn't Like It?

Making promises in the middle of a campaign is one thing, making promises in the middle of a catastrophe is another.  You can't pass-the-buck on people's lives when you pledged to be responsible for them.  That's what children do.