Dine and Dash Abduction

1: ...and like he totally gave me the creeps. Yeah. Just like Mr. Bacham from English? Yeah.

2:  The Starbucks dude? Ooooh. Gross. Totally gross.

1:  I know, like, W.T.F., right?

2:  Ashley, are you alright? You look...

1:  What.

2:  You look...Oh Em Gee...

1:  What's happening?!!!!

2:  What is that bright light?

1:  Up above?!!  I can't move my face!!!

2:  I can't SEE!!!

1:  I CAAAAHHHAAA.........

Life's a B&*^h and Then You Die

I'm curious when this life and this planet gets to be ours and not "God's". I'll bet it will be a lot more fun and a lot less dangerously indulgent. We tend to take more responsibility for things we call our own. 

"They can take our WIVES..."

"...but they can't take our freedom!"


This is what I thought Mel Gibson screamed in the Diary of a Mad Blue-faced Man movie from 1995. I didn't bat an eye. National revolts are often started by the love or loss of a woman. It's just that no one admits it until centuries later in sabotaged history accounts and tall tales. I was impressed with the candor and missed the 'real' poetry.


I am really looking forward to the day when someone in the distant future standing with a butterfly on his shoulder atop a luscious, green hill overlooking forests and pastures full of animals, a sky filled with friendly birds and a village full of happy, healthy, purposeful people, looks down and bends over a dried creek-bed to retrieve a United States coin, encrusted with bits of blood and manure, preserved in amber. I look forward to him placing it in his pocket, running down to his family and holding up the treasure at the dinner table that evening; his little children in awe of the orange glow cast on the floor from the firelight that shines right through it.  I look forward to him giving it to the town elder, who discovers by way of written response to his letters sent, that the coin actually dates back to an ancient time. The culture of the snake that once prospered but quickly swallowed it's own tale because of the love of a mere woman.  


A woman named commerce.

No Reheally

Be the first Drag Queen to say no to coke. 

"Crap On The Street"

This is what New Yorkers call used furniture they fill their homes with. 

I thought about putting this over my bed. 

I'm OK, You're OK

...except when you're gay? 


An Ex-Con?


Republican?


Stop the judging.  We're ALL OK.

Draggots Unite

Girls are the new boys.  Again.


Now that more people accept, no, are interested in eyeliner and Adam's apples, let's do something with it.  


More lip service, less lip sync.

Happy New Ear

This year I want to be a better person. 


I resolve to listen more than I speak. 


(Until I get my teeth whitened.) 

"Marsha, Marsha, Marsha..."

I Tumble For Ya

When I was in the fifth grade, I thought Boy George was straight. 


Also, as a teenager, there was that moment I realized it wasn't normal for parents to visit the liquor store every day.

When You Can't Have Chocolate

I have the flu. No more sick days.


I made an incorrect deposit. My account is almost overdrawn.


I forgot to call my boy-thing. He's ignoring my texts.


My neighbor's music is so loud and on so long I missed the exterminator because I thought it was her. GIANT cockroach in the kitchen. It was dead, thank Obama.


My favorite jeans split up the crack. No more beer.


I'm 1400 miles short of a plane ticket home for the holiDAZE. Skype Grandma?


A new one of THESE just makes it all better.  I love you, Bobbi Brown.

You MUST vote...

...if you want the right to complain.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

That's Entertainment

See this: HOWL


Then pick up THIS and read it out loud. Read any poetry out loud. You will transport to a place in an underdeveloped part of your brain. One that is long forgotten but still vibrating from the initial time you plugged in. Your senses might take you to the smell of old text books or a candle from the bedroom of a sensitive lover. 


Oh, and you'll surprise yourself if you read the poems you usually skip over in The New Yorker when you're on the toilet. The cartoons show up in your mind.

Bare Naked Ladies

I'm too young and too... different... to miss silk stockings, but I do.  I understand some considered them mini torture experiments in pre-breakfast time management and idol life-style embracement. You simply cannot jump out of bed, into your clothes and out the door if you require two espressos, reading glasses and an extra 20 minutes to strap into your underwear. You also cannot sit under or near most nouns, which poses a problem to your colleagues and office furniture in your shared cubicle. One snag from a car door and it's over. It is an entirely different lifestyle. A little more graceful and a lot more difficult. Kind of like... being a woman I suppose.

Meme Missions

Are the Haitians doing better? How about New Orleans? The coal miners in West Virginia? The Gulf of Mexico? Gay Marriage? Don't Ask, Don't Tell? Autism? Barack's birth? Breast Cancer? Gun toting teens? Celebrity adoption? Jungles? Forests? War? Whales? Pandas? HIV?

There are so so so so so many things to wave a flag for out there. We need to be careful we don't drop the support for one to run across the red carpet for the other. Our suffering world is not a trend. Turtles, please don't turn into rabbits. We need you both. Divide and conquer but most importantly FOCUS and FOLLOW THROUGH.

And remember, blogs, tweets and social network postings most certainly show support but dollars turn into action. Don't forget the money where your mouth is thing. 

I'm not just talking pole dancing.

Manhattan Photo Scavenger Hunt

1. A land line telephone in a Hell's Kitchen apartment.


2. A quiet teenager reading on a park bench in Central Park.


3. A female cab driver.


4. A chorus boy with a wedding ring.


5. A 30-something celebrity without sunglasses.


6. A clean Starbucks bathroom sink.


7. A person pushing a grocery cart full of groceries.


8. A smiling Parking Enforcement Officer.


9. A dog without a leash.


10. A woman in Prada shoes on the subway.

"Come on people now smile on your brother everybody get together and try to love one another right now..."

These folks are staring at the back of an opaque, white tent with flashing paparazzi lights visibly going off on the inside.  All in the name of a glimpse of... ?

Serenade

You know you are loved when one of your favorite queens leaves you a voice mail at 2am singing only the background vocals to one of your favorite 80's tunes from your favorite 80's band:

"Girls on Film."

(5 Second Pause)

"Girls on Film."

(3 Seconds)

"See you togetheaahh..."

(10 Seconds... I think she's forgotten she called me... )

"GUHRLZZOONFFFFLMMMM!"

(Spoken...)

"I LOVE YOU GUHRL.  I wish you were my boyfriend."
(Click.)

Train to Nowhere: Fast

Starbucks is a nice place to get free "weefee" and they provide an excellent community service for those with small bladder emergencies in NYC. I feel this may be reason enough to pay the extra $3.75 for a cup o' Joe. I'm paying communal rent.  

But if you sit in one of the franchises long enough, it's like you're stuck on a subway car full of 'melting pot' folks that just shot Red Bull into their veins. You're forced to listen to a loud conversation about hair and television and you never know who might break out into song then ask you for money... the teen skipping school for a year or the transient who skipped bathing for just as long. Sometimes that is one person.

If you're not tweaking too terribly from the caffeine, it's kind of beautiful.